A D&D New Year’s Told By Me January 5, 2010
This article takes place between December 31st, 2009 8 P.M and January 1st, 2010 4 A.M.
“Hello Mr. Gutierrez, I’m Detective David, the Assistant District Attorney of this city and I’ll tell you, we’ve got a lot of questions and you need to have a lot of answers. 12 bodies Mr. Gutierrez, 12. Why’d you do it?”
“Well Mr. Detective ADA Baldwin, is it ok if I call you that? you look like a Baldwin brother. Well it started like any other new years party, a couple of quests with my good friends and my Lvl 19 dark elf wizard, a couple cases of mountain dew gamer fuel, and porn, lots and lots of porn. We were in for a good night Billy.”
“It sure sounds like it, and it’s David…I’m not a Baldwin brother.” Grunted the Detective ADA “Yeah anyways, our party of 4 set out for the legendary dungeon of Ted” I said as I struggled to recount the nights events. “Ted has his own dungeon now?” asked the Detective stupidly “look Stephen, Honestly my memory is a little hazey but I digress, you see I found a girlfriend and she’s totally super hot like, model hot right? I swear she’s like a hotter version of Scarlett Johansson”
Yeah like this only hotter
On with the story, Robert or as he’s better known in the community, Robortamus the Destroyer, jealous of my female conquests, decided he wanted to sabotage me in the middle of our quest.
“Jesus Christ on crutches!” screamed David “How’d he do it?”
Well Alec we encountered a Giant Cave dragon who in a very smooth, debonair voice, probably played by Sean Connery, demanded we give all our gold to him for safe passage. Robert spewed through his fat pockets “I offer Steven’s super hot girlfriend!”. I jumped up “In the name of Gygax, how dare you!” I slammed my fist on the table. “I’ll allow it.” spurted the dungeon master, also fat and jealous. Robert rolled a 14, and once again I was single and I think I put on 50 pounds.
“This, but dragon.”
At this point of the night things get kinda weird you see in my depression I started tearing through that gamer fuel. “Have you ever drank 7 cases of gamer fuel in an hour Mr. Baldwin?” “No but I’ve always wanted to try. And my last name is actually Coy…not Baldwin.” I reached out and backhanded him “Look Billy, Alec, whatever, that’s not important you see after 7 cases of sweet, hot, gamer fuel I discovered it.” Now curious he asked “Discovered what?” Nerd Rage. I said “Nerd Rage?” Yes the fable was true, I transcended into a almost godly state of being. You see I became a total badass.
Pictured: total badass
Needless to say shit got real. I picked up my replica +2 short sword and charged at he who had done me wrong, Robert. No one was a match for me. You see I had the Nerd Rage on my side. I swung mercilessly at everything in my way, man, woman, cat, nothing was safe. “Well that explains the 3 bodies and 8 cats found dead at the scene but where does…” I slapped him again, “Stop vomitting words!” I shouted. “I’m not done.”
After successfully rolling my saving throw and escaping into the mist shrouded night of this suburban utopia, I came upon a dead body. Naturally, having not killed it myself, I decided to search it and take whatever gold this unlucky man had. I grabbed my dice and threw them. “Damn a 3″ I said. As I poked the dead man before me he jumps up not a dead man at all, but a thief. Drenched in a stench of alcohol and something else I couldn’t describe, he revealed himself. “You!” I shouted.
Rickrolled by the king himself.
Singing his siren song he approached me. “Never gonna give you up.” I unsheathed my +2 short sword and thrust it into the heathen’s gullet. As he let out his last breath I whispered “Never gonna let you down” and he passed onto eternity.
David obviously at this point a long lost Baldwin brother, got up and I knew he was going to speak when his mouth started to open.
“Well Mr. Gutierrez this is an obvious confession and we have enough to put you away for life. Anything you have to say for yourself?” Can I get a can of gamer fuel…one last time? “Well I don’t see why not” as he grabbed a can from the remaining cases of the previous night. I opened the can and started to sing. “Never gonna turn around and desert you.” As David Baldwin turned around he noticed I rolled a 12 but it was too late and I sneak attacked his genitals. As he lay dying I whispered “Never gonna give you up, never gonna say goodbye David Baldwin.” With his last breath he said “My name is David…Coy…”
In memory of David Coy Baldwin the long lost Baldwin Brother.
Shorthand Life January 5, 2010
I walked in to find Richard rolling on the floor with a picture.
“What are you doing?” I evidently shouted.
“I’m Rofmtapoqe” explained Richard.
“You’re–what?” I said.
“I’m rolling on the floor masturbating to a picture of
Queen Elizabeth, what does it look like!?” As he looked up, tears streaming down his face.
Sexual Icon
Richard was indeed masturbating to a picture of Queen Elizabeth. I
always knew he had a problem, but the Queen? Wow.
I backed out of the room and shut the door. Behind me the news
screamed some incoherent language, one of which hobbits used at one
time.
“Tphbs! Tphbs!” screamed the deformed newscaster.
Richard ran into the living room. ”OMG, tphbs!”
“What are you talking about Richard?”
“Tphbs!” Screamed Richard, assuming I know hobbit.
“The president has been shot!” He yelled, grabbing me by the crotch.
I should have known Richard had a problem when I first met him. He
needed a roommate, and I needed a room. We met, I attempted a
handshake, however his angry grasp seized me by the genitals and I
thought nothing of it.
I walked out the door in a very extreme fashion, as I do everyday,
when suddenly the hobbit from three doors down begged for change.
Spare Change?
I performed a pelvic thrust to find an out to this begger, but it only
spurred more questions.
“Wth r u doing?” Asked the begger.
So I did the only thing I knew how, to get out of the conversation.
Laser pointer.
I pierced the gaze of the hobo, and heard one thing.
“Wtf?!” He rageyelled.
There’s that hobbit language again I thought to myself as I pelvic
thrusted my way out of the conversation.
I arrived at work to find it was completely normal. Walking through
the doors(I do that) I realized I locked my keys in the car. I jumped
at the car feet first hoping to break the glass. Safety glass.
Co-workers gathered around me, “W2g mongoloid.” Yelled Tim.
I was puzzled because I am not from Mongolia nor do I reside there.
Why would I want to? Genghis Khan expanded the borders because
Mongolia is a shithole, full of yaks and midgets. Nobody likes them,
not even mongoloids.
Pictured: Mongoloid
Michael opened the car door for me, aparently it wasn’t locked after all.
“Tyg Dave” he said.
“What in the name of all Jewish holidays is ‘Tyg?’”
“There you go,” Michael said.
I know something is up today. It’s like someone picked me up and
placed me at the corner of MIND and FUCK. I need to get out of here.
I jumped in the car, turned the key, and hit the radio. Damn, busted.
Hit it again. After repeatedly incredible hulking the radio twelve times, pieces scattered across my car, finally it worked.
A silent buzz came on, then a voice.
“This is NPR, and these are the facts. Tphbs! Mswja. Tcmwafaha.”
“What is everyone saying?!” I screamed at the radio. I was completely
unaware my door was still open, and my co-workers had called the
police for the violence I practiced on my car stereo.
Days later I awoke in a room that resembled something of a giant
pillow. I later learned they were actually smaller pillows, and I
locked myself in my room and nailed up all the pillows and couch
cushions I could find.
Richard opened the door and asked, “What are you doing, David?”
“Rofmtapoqe wth does it look like!?”
